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Wealthy investor:
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Brijesh Malhotra, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

Smart Interpreter:
The local don, accompanied by his stockbroker, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three lakh rupees you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The don asks again: "Where's the three lakh rupees you embezzled from me?"
The stockbroker interrupts to say: "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The don: "Well, ask him where the money is." The stockbroker, using sign language, asks the accountant where the money is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The stockbroker interprets to the don.
The don pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the money is!" The stockbroker signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The don says, "Well, what did he say?"
The stockbroker interprets to the don, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

Total Transparency:
A stockbroker was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered no to the question.
The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was "why?" Nevertheless, the stockbroker answered it "Never got caught."
The Ultimate:
A very successful stockbroker parked his brand-new Mercedes in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side. The stockbroker immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the stockbroker started screaming hysterically. His Mercedes, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined. When the stockbroker finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can not believe how materialistic you stock brokers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the stockbroker. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down?
It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the stockbroker. "My Rolex!"
It was so cold today I saw a stockbroker with his hands in his own pockets. A stockbroker is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your money for his commission. Technical analysis is the art of drawing a crooked line from an unproved assumption to a foregone conclusion. When I was young, I used to think that money was the most important thing in life. Now that I am old, I know it is! 12 months ago if you had bought 1,000 worth of ABC stock you would now have 35. If you had bought 1,000 worth of beer you would now have 41 worth of empty beer cans. Therefore... Invest in beer! A stockbroker is someone who invests your money till' it's all gone! ......."
Topsy Turvy:
The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, only a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American: "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" The Mexican: "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life." The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run Your expanding enterprise." The Mexican fisherman: "But, how long will this all take?" The American: "15-20 years." The Mexican: "But what then?" The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions." The Mexican: "Millions.. Then what?" The American: "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
A stock analyst and a stockbroker went to the races. The stockbroker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The analyst was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst. "You are too theoretical," said the broker and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!"
"What is your secret?" the analyst asked. "It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine."
"But, three and five is eight," the analyst protested. "I told you, you are too theoretical!" the stockbroker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"
Two stock brokers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the two stock brokers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the stock brokers jams something into the other stockbroker's hand. Without looking down, the second stockbroker whispers: "What is this?" The first stockbroker : "It's the $100 I owe you!"
A doctor told his patient that her test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live.
"That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient.
"Marry a stockbroker," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life!"
  • How many investors does it take to change a light bulb? None! The market has already discounted the change!
  • October is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February!
  • A study of markets usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is yesterday!
  • A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!
The First Law of Technical Analysis:
For every analysis, there exists an equal and opposite analysis.
The Second Law of Technical Analysis: They're both wrong! .
A banker walks into a pizzeria and orders a pizza. When the pizza is done, he goes up to the counter to get it.
There a clerk asks him: "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?"
The banker replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry. You'd better cut it into eight pieces."
Seven habits that help produce the anything-but-efficient markets:
1. Think short term,
2. Be greedy,
3. Believe in the greater fool,
4. Run with the herd,
5. Overgeneralize,
6. Be trendy and
7. Play with other people's money.
Why has astrology been invented?
So that market technical analysis could be an accurate science.
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down close to the interviewer and says "What would you like it to equal?"
An analyst is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy.
A technical analyst is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy!
Aspiring investor to investment counselor: "I'm drawing 10% interest on money in my savings account."
Investment Counselor: "Hmmm, that's interesting!
The best I've seen is 5% on savings accounts."
Aspiring Investor: "I beat the system... I put half my cash in one bank at 5% and half in another bank at another 5%!"
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel! I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked. "Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Why won't sharks attack stock brokers? ... Professional courtesy!
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, stockbroker, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the stockbroker, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The stockbroker goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister.
"That man was a stockbroker-- he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a minister, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff? How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; his clients, they prayed!"
A man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over and over again. Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't.
Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."
How to make a million in the stock market? Start with two!
  • Feudalism: You have two cows. Your Lord takes some of the milk.
  • Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
  • Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help take care of them and you share the milk.
  • Militarism: You have two cows. The State takes both and drafts you.
  • Mafia: You have two cows. You give one to the Godfather on the day of his daughter's wedding. In return, he doesn't have your legs broken.
  • Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The governement takes them both and denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned
  • Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
  • Enron Venture Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then exercute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority share-holder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. ... Unfortunately, it's his!

Copyright: 2005@
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